fistful of plooble

Come find me at http://dbthomas.com/blog

Fistful of Plooble has had a long, strange life, characterized by long periods of shameful neglect. I've decided to collapse all (well, most anyway) of my blogs into one, which you can find at http://dbthomas.com/blog.

Join me, won't you?

Sounds good in principle

The latest issue of Wired has an extensive how-to section, with tips on everything from mastering Guitar Hero to taking better photos. I'm intrigued by their suggestion that if I am able to get to the back of my car stereo, I may be able to attach an RCA cable and plug my iPod into the other end. After examining (what I thought were) all the different, complicated, expensive and ultimately unsatisfying ways to do that, this is a pretty compelling idea. It sounds like a weekend project with at least a 50 percent chance of ending in a Monday morning drive to the Mazda dealer with my dashboard on my lap.

You have to admire Wired's chutzpah for including tips on how to jump off a building and how to maximize your MPG by getting behind a truck and turning off your engine.

Now, where were we?

I just looked at three or four of the blogs I used to read on a regular basis, and all but one is either completely kaput or almost as sadly neglected as my own. (I actually had someone email me about a year ago to see if I had died. I had not.) I barely even remembered how to get here to post, and a lot has changed. This seems to contradict the general trend I read about everywhere that social media is the new black. Why is it then that all the blogs I first read are dead?

I know the reason I stopped blogging; I didn't have any damn time. If you read the last post, you will see that I was about to start a job in the music bidness. I did that, and now I'm out again. Let's just say it wasn't as much fun as it should have been. And once I'd had dinner with Billy Bragg and met Chuck D, Robyn Hitchcock and John Doe, I figured I'd had enough to hold me for a while.

I'm now back on the corporate teat, doing PR for a big software company. Those of you who used to read this blog back when it had a pulse, or who know me from the real world, know that this is not an unusual move. It's odd to be back in corporate America, but the nice things about it are pretty nice so far.

One thing that's changed about PR in the six or seven years since I was doing it on a regular basis: blogs. Everything I read about the industry tells me that I'm a chump to be paying attention to The Wall Street Journal. I should be pitching to bloggers. Also I need to be on Facebook and Twitter and probably a bunch of stuff I've never heard of. Looks like I have some catching up to do.

I don't have my blogging voice back yet. I'll have to figure out what that is. I know that I probably won't be writing the relatively long and thought-out posts I used to write back when I was unemployed. But I'm going to try to do something, even if it's just posting the odd juxtapositions that come up on my mobile phone web browser's news headlines. (I could give you a for instance, but that would squander another potential post, and I can't afford that.)

Am I Ready to Rock?

There’s a gag I’ve always wanted to try that requires you to be in a group situation where nobody knows you. A party would be ideal. First, attach yourself to a group of people telling jokes. When someone finishes telling a joke, you say, “That reminds me of one.” Then you tell the exact same joke the first person told, word for word. You have to tell it, of course, as though you aren’t aware you’re doing anything unusual. I’ve always wondered how people would react. Anytime I’ve been in a situation where it might work, I’ve forgotten until later. And frankly, I might just chicken out. It’s probably like getting into an elevator and facing the opposite way everyone else is facing: much, much harder than it sounds. I managed it for about five seconds once.

The reason I’m thinking about all of this is because I start a new job on Monday, working in the indie rock music biz. (I don’t know why I’m being cagey about the name of the company, except that that’s what everybody always does in blogs. I suppose I should call it Local Indie Label.) I could try the retold joke bit at my new job, but I’ve been thinking about some gags that would be a bit more complex and have some longevity.

The L. Ron:

Strategically place a dog-eared copy of Dianetics on my desk. Frequently say things like, “We need to get clear of what’s holding us back in order to reach new levels.” Exhibit a great deal of interest in the impending marriage of Tom and Katie, and vigorously defend him should the situation arise.

Potential drawbacks: as it is in the entertainment industry, company may already be rife with Scientologists

The Poser:

Show up on day one in an obviously new t-shirt promoting some radio-friendly rock band (say, Candlebox) preferably still showing creases from being folded. Wear a similar t-shirt every day: Limp Bizkit, Blink 182, etc. Surreptitiously (yet visibly) change shirts at the end of the day, removing the t-shirt and putting on a Polo. In meetings, whenever I agree with someone, make the devil horns gesture and stick my tongue out. Always spell rock as “RAWK!!!!” Make frequent drug references.

Potential drawbacks: termination or injury before the end of my first day, forced to ingest narcotics

The Easy Listener:

Starched oxford shirt and pressed khakis. Bring in a small transistor radio and listen to Sunny 99 all day. Hang motivational posters in office. Ask co-workers listening to company product to “turn that down a bit please, some of us are trying to work.”

Potential drawbacks: too close to home, could validate co-workers current suspicions; no obvious “ta –dah! I was just kidding!” moment. Possibly irreversible.

Ting, Tang, Walla Walla Bing Bang

So, where were we?

Anyway, me and the Mrs. recently returned from our honeymoon in Curaçao, famous for producing an eponymous blue liqueur drunk only by teenagers in the dark, and Aruba, famous for causing people to start singing that Beach Boys song. On both islands they speak Papiamento, which is a patois of Spanish, Portuguese, Dutch, English, French and Edward James Olmos’ lines from “Blade Runner.”

Seriously though, it’s a beautiful language and we did pick up a few phrases. “Bon dia” means good day, “bon bini” means welcome and “masha danki,” I seem to recall, means, “Thank you very much,” although Jean says it means, “Faster, donkey!"

By the time we left we had picked up enough to be able to read the sign above, which I'm pretty sure means, "Johnny Walker - the world's bendiest whisky."

When we landed in Aruba we immediately heard some airport employees speaking Papiamento, and it sounded like this: “Papiamento papiamento papiamento.” After we had been in the islands a bit longer, our ears became more attuned and we were able to hear more of the subtleties of the language, and it sounded more like, “Badda bing badda bing badda bing.”

Future Career Directions

One day I'd like to open a store that sells nothing but ottomans. I'd call it The Footstool Empire. Then when people come in and say, "How come you didn't call it The Ottoman Empire?" I'll say, "Oh, yeah. That would have been a much better name."

I Voted for You

(click to enlarge)

Biscuit & Gary

I recently bought a new mobile phone, which will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. (One friend suggested I put that message on a t-shirt.) The new one has a built-in camera, which means that, because I am too lazy to use the good-quality digital camera that I quite often have with me, I will be able to take crappy pictures and share them with the world.

You might be thinking the photo above is a commentary on urbanization, the depersonalization of modern society or creeping commercialism. In fact, the only reason I took this picture is because the Hardee's sign reads:

NEW LOAD
BISCUIT &
GARY BOWL

I Have No Blog

I guess I just don’t have what it takes. Thousands of bloggers, including many linked over there on the left, manage to produce amusing, informative, interesting and worthwhile writing while balancing full-time jobs, parenthood, the demands of quotidian existence and probably volunteering for Doctors Without Borders, for all I know. I get a 9-to-5 job and the best I can do is take a month to come up with something about microwave popcorn. What’s worse is that when I do finally post again, my post is about how lame I am for not posting. How lame is that? The only thing worse would be if I wrote about spam.

I’m still getting about 150 a day, which gives me a chance to see the themes developing. It’s nice to see that it’s not all about penile enhancement anymore. Mortgages are always popular, of course, but yesterday the theme seemed to be, “Euphemisms for ‘Reduce.’” I got emails encouraging me to butcher, chop, knock and scalp my mortgage payment. When I find a broker who can help me eviscerate my payment, we’ll talk. (I’m waiting for them to get confused and send me one that says, “Women Worship Low Payments” or “Drill Your Girlfriends Mortgage All Night!”)

Today’s theme seems to be “Long Lost Friends.” Sebastian wrote to say, “We used to talk,” and Mcclain wonders if I “remeber way back when?” Granted, I am getting old and my memory is not what it used to be. But I think I would remember if I had ever made friends with Parson Straightaway and Eldridge Landscape.

Well, there you go. Nearly a month of silence, then I give you a lame compendium of spam subject lines. The least I can do is finally release this one, which I’ve been holding in reserve for months:

Boy in front, sheriff around and mirror behind are what made America great!

Essential Truths: Microwave Popcorn

1. Microwave popcorn is never as good as you think it will be.

2. No matter how many times you learn this lesson, you are still capable of deceiving yourself.

3. You will cook it for too long, because you are a greedy bastard and want every last kernel.

4. You will burn it.

5. You will eat it anyway. All of it. Even the burned bits. You will upend the bag over your mouth and get popcorn grit all over your clothes.

6. When you are done, you will feel:
a. kind of sick
b. very thirsty
c. greasy

7. You'll need to wash your hands like Lady Macbeth to get that "butter" off.

8. You will be forced to endure the smell in your office for the rest of the day.

9. Despite the fact that your co-workers know all of the above to be true, the smell will entice them to make their own, starting a chain reaction that could conceivably go on all afternoon.

10. Microwave popcorn should be prohibited in offices, like smoking. There should be microwave ovens outside the front door for people who are addicted.