Do Not Attempt

After I brought Plooblewagon home in October, Adda and I had a good time riffing on the various admonitions, threats and warnings in the owner’s manual. (Mazda does a pretty good job of inspiring paranoia, but Volvo takes the prize for excess caution; their TV commercials generally feature cars being driven sensibly in a straight line at reasonable speeds on public roads with a superimposed “professional driver on closed course.”)

One of my favorite recent examples of namby-pamby intrusive mommyism was brought to my attention by my dad, who several of you have pointed out is Way Funnier Than Me, and who it doesn’t take a clinical behaviorist to figure out is the person I got most of this from. On Saturday he handed me a copy of the Raleigh Yellow Pages, and I was momentarily perplexed until I saw the warning notice printed prominently on the cover. Maybe the small size of the new phone book would lead certain common sense-impaired morons to think it was designed for use in the car. Who knows. Maybe it does need an explicit warning to the contrary. But why should you stop at that?

Comments

[pbbbbb]

It is meant for use in the car, of course. As usual, we get a lame copy of an idea better executed elsewhere. I think it was in LA, but I once saw a phone book that was designed for the car from the beginning. Different listings, different ads, much smaller overall size. It really was the phone book for things you might need to know while driving. It addressed pressing LA lifestyle topics like, "Damn, another pigeon. Quick, where's the nearest car wash?" or "Where can I get some Dim Sum?"

In LA, you get a phone book desigmed for the car. In Raleigh, we get a photoreduced copy of the whole yellow pages that still weighs 5 pounds. And what is that type, 6 points? Eek.

[wfty]

I'll heed the warnings about defending Martha and negotiating peace, but when I'm performing vascular surgery I need to be able to find a stent supplier at a moment's notice.

[Adda]

Don't you mean you need to be able to find a stent supplier "stat"?

[beerzie boy]

Is this because of advice from the folks on the back cover?

[rebecca]

Nice font.

[pbbbbb]

"Good Morning, Stents Stat, this is Stacy|Steve. How may I direct your call?"

Say it five times fast, and you get the job.

[wfty]

Latest stent stat: J&J has nearly 80% of the market.

[Lori]

I thought the telephone book warning was odd, but I then read this article in my local newspaper:

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Crash kills two on I-5; troopers focus on cell phone

By The Chronicle

ROCHESTER — Two women died Wednesday on Interstate 5 north of Rochester after one woman’s car crossed the median, colliding with the other’s car.
Southbound lanes on I-5 were closed for about 2 1/2 hours after the incident.
Both 39-year-old Judi Dallman of Chehalis and 46-year-old Dorothy Lantz of Rochester died at the scene after the cars crashed, around 4:15 p.m.
Dallman’s northbound Mercury Cougar went out of control, crossed the grass median and entered the southbound lanes, according to the Washington State Patrol. Lantz’s auto, a Honda Civic, crashed into the Mercury’s driver-side door. The incident blocked both southbound lanes, troopers said.
The Patrol does not suspect alcohol and drugs were involved in the accident. Evidence at the scene, however, led investigators to believe that a cellular telephone may have distracted Dallman. A cell phone was located on the roadway near the Chehalis woman’s car, and a telephone book was found on her lap.
Traffic during the freeway closure was detoured to Maytown back onto I-5 at the Rochester interchange.

Source of article at: http://www.chronline.com/main.asp?SectionID=49&SubSectionID=109&ArticleID=11622

[pbbbbb]

This is why you can't trust traffic accident statistics. She had a phone book in her lap, but investigators "believe that a cellular telephone may have distracted" her?!? I haven't conducted rigorous scientific tests, but isn't it harder to drive while reading a phone book than while dialing a phone? They'll probably check the "speeding was involved" box just to keep the IIHS happy.

Of course, it doesn't take a phone book to get people to read behind the wheel. And those who don't read can always adjust their makeup.

[wfty]

The only warning label we need is one on the dashboard that reads "keep your eyes on the road and your hands on the wheel."

[MacArthur Grant Committee]

Dad, I had no idea you were a Doors fan.

[Adda]

Mazda advises you to roll, baby, roll.

[eajbbf]

What the hell is a stent?

[pbbbbb]

What is a stent?
a device implanted in a vessel used to help keep it open

Google. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

[Adda]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.